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The Happypeeps



Newsmedianews can exclusively reveal that the proposed RAT (Readjusted Added Tax) will be re-introduced on 1st January 2005 at an initial trial rate set at a whopping 27 per cent.

Secret documents handed to Newsmedianews confirm that RAT will be applied at the 27 per cent level to both VAT and income tax independently. There is also a reference to a ‘perceived need to syphon off’ some of the tax into a mysteriously named ‘Smoking Bill Disaster Contingency Fund’.

The finance department, which lost the secret documents in a brief case later found by a schoolgirl, declined to comment on the matter.

A draft speech, previously earmarked for delivery by the finance Minister, Charlie McCreevy, said that the tax was "inevitable" and was designed to "equate the tax burden", though further explanation was not included in the speech.

However, a coded floppy disc cracked by Newsmedianews reveals projections by the Government that in the first year alone up to one eighth of the population was expected to die of starvation as a direct result of the swingeing tax, if they remained in Ireland.

The projections also show that the lower end of the income earning scale was expected to be wiped out after a further two years, leaving only those wealthy enough to continue paying the tax. RAT would be increased to 45 per cent at the end of year two.

An independent analysis commissioned by Newsmedianews and conducted by an independent firm of tax specialists shows the new tax to be unworkable in the long term.

The analysis concludes with the chilling scenario of leaving only members of the Government alive and able to pay the tax. However, after just two months the Government would fall irreversibly into debt to itself.


In seeking opinion about the tax from a number of Irish living overseas, Newsmedianews has been informed that a large army of Diaspora is being assembled.

"We intend to return to Ireland and put all members of the Government, in fact all politicians, on a boat and send them away from Ireland.

"We have constructed a special island out of seaweed in the Sargasso Sea and named it Gloopadook. There will be no money, nothing, only seaweed, which will be the only constituent of the diet, clothing and building materials.

"There will be no means of escape from Gloopadook. A very strict regime has been drawn up and all politicians will have to live by it just to remain alive," said one contact, who asked not to be named.

A spokesman for the current Government responded: "If it was, then it was then so before now. It doesn't matter if socks shrink in the washing machine because it just makes any holes that much smaller to repair."

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