RANNS RESCHEDULE INVASION BY 23 YEARS!
asteroid collision course spurs decision
THE Ranns have brought their planned invasion of Earth forward by 23 years due
to the detection of an asteroid heading on a collision course for the planet.
It is estimated that the asteroid, only discovered by astronomers in July 2002, will strike Earth during 2019. The event could spark globally catastrophic events. [Evidence still being collated indicates the date may be out by as much as seven years, bringing it forward to 2012.]
This Rann, behind 12 inch armour glass, was pictured at Portadown in the UK.
The white mist on the glass is saliva ejaculated from the Rann's mouth at seeing a living human being, in this case the photographer
Pic Courtsey NewsPics
The Ranns, a bloodthirsty species from the Andipollo Galaxy in the 27th quadrant, are known to have an insatiable appetite for LIVING human flesh. The presence of the species here on planet Earth albeit in small numbers has been known about for thousands of years.
The Ranns had originally planned their mass invasion of Earth for 2040, codenamed Sunday Brunch. The plans had been painstakingly kept secret by all Earth governments made aware of them in a bid to avoid mass public panic.
Too far away for any hope of Earth launching any attack to defeat the Ranns on their home planet of Rann, governments have been working on a scheme to implant cyanide capsules in all new born babies and to implant as many of the existing life form populations on Earth as possible. Though the implant would not prevent a victim being eaten alive by a Rann, it was hoped that the resulting severe indigestion caused to the Rann by the cyanide would eventually bring about a cessation of the invasion.
Even should this happen, it was estimated that there would only be several hundred thousands of people left alive and many of those would not have escaped molestation by the mouth of a Rann.
Over 200 million Ranns are due to be teleported on to the planet in the space of a few minutes, to begin a savage gluttony of human flesh. The Ranns first spray their victims with saliva (pictured above). The saliva is absorbed through the skin and induces within the victim orgasmically pleasurable feelings when being eaten alive.
At the secretly filmed last known Rann teleportation in Latvia, pictured left, about 2,000 Ranns arrived in less than 15 seconds. Within less than two months, 189,000 new missing person reports were filed in Eastern Europe alone.
Analysis of the evidence so far collected on the Ranns has led to speculation that they brought the first early life forms to planet Earth in order to create a zoological garden as a food resource.
Seized Rann records reveal they were distasteful of dinosaur meat and had arranged the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Earlier forms of man had also been erased from the Ranns' programme due to being either too lumpy, too rich in gristle, or too sour.
At a Rann Convention in Memphis, pictured below, Ranns were described by one speaker as like the face dancers in the Dune science fiction trilogy, except they were able to take on identical form to any living creature. However, their favourite form is that of an 18-year-old version of Veronyka Gustavin, one of the sexiest and prettiest Russian women ever born.
The Memphis Rann Convention was called by the International Rann Awareness Symposium (IRAS) to discuss the implications of the new invasion date.
IRAS is understood to be working on an alternative to the cyanide implants.
A Rann took me ice skating
A Rann sucked my toes
Cyanide implants "faulty"
Hunger strike no defence
Other related items
© Newsmedianews January 8, 2004
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